I milked a cat

So uhhh yeah.  I like cats.

I have two Siamese cats named Dior and Issey. 

Kelly had one cat named Shadow who is a ginormous Maine Coon.

Contrary to popular belief, they do NOT hand out kittens at the hospital after a hysterectomy to send you off with a preview of your barren destined to be a cat lady lifestyle.  I was kind of bummed out about this.

Kelly's birthday was coming up and I was like.... what do I get her because she has everything she wanted.
My bright idea was to go to the animal shelter and get her a kitten so she could have two cats also.

We went and spent HOURS at BARCS and got the last kitten available that day.  So we are up to 4 cats in the house.... kinda.

We overheard the word "euthanize" and decided to look into how to foster a cat family.  Kelly was a little on the fence but when we went to look at the litters available the mama cats name was Kelly... so like fate huh.  Sure we will take not one but FIVE cats home.  So while we were sitting in the classes on adoption and fostering this mama cat and her 3 two day old kittens Kelly and I talked about where we would keep them.  Once we decided it would not be in my room, her room or the guest room, I noticed the lady looking at us.... crap here it comes again, WE ARE NOT A COUPLE but at that moment I could totally understand the confusion.  It's getting kind of funny now so might as well play it up. 

Everything seemed to be fine until the third day when I saw worms coming out of Kelly's (the cat) butt.  Oh hell no.  And she was pooping outside the litter box and it was not regular poop... so we took them back to the vet and they were given dewormer.  The kittens are really cute but the runt is having issues.  We had to take them back to the Vet Wednesday, Friday and Saturday of this week for more worm stuff and shots.  The runt is still tiny and has lost its will or ability to nurse.  Also they gave me medicine to put into Kelly's food to make her have more solid poops and boy did it do the opposite.  She was not having any real issues with diarrhea but Holy Cat spraying poop Batman... she does now.  Way to go, worst diarrhea medicine EVER.

Kelly and I have our moments when we look at each other and laugh at how stupid we are... here is one of those conversations:

Kelly Cat got out of her room and made her way down to
1. our cats litter box, pooped in it, got into a scuffle with Issey (I assume since Issey's collar was next to the litter box) and
2. to my room where Dior and Shadow were located.  I came home and Issey was at the bottom of my stairs meowing very loudly.  This is somewhat normal as she was separated from her mother shortly after birth and never learned the different meows so most of hers come across as the "What Lassie.... is Timmy in the well?  Lets go see"  variety of extreme panic.  I go downstairs finally and see clumps of cat hair, pieces of rug, and Dior sitting in the window sans collar.  Her collar never comes off so this must have been a brawl. This is Kelly and my reenactment of the fight we assume happened when we were at work.

K:  Awww man, is everyone ok?
M: I guess but someone got jacked up
K: I wonder what happened
M: Well Dior has a big scratch on her nose, so she probably fought with Kelly Cat.
K:  Yeah cause Shadow is a punk and probably ran to Dior for help
M:  Yep and Dior was like I'll handle this, step back and watch me work
K:  Yeah but its stupid because Shadow is the only one with claws, punkass
M: Yeah so Dior probably started messing with Kelly Cat and figured out real quick, oh shit she is whooping my ass.  Shadow you better come help me.
K: Shadow was like naw bitch you said you got it.
M: Dior was like that's messed up bitch you just gonna let me get my ass whooped like that, I thought we were cool
K: Shadow said I didn't know she could fight like that, you on your own.

At this point we realized we were basically doing a verbal interpretive dance of a cat fight.  Chalk this up to reason number 54 that I will be a barren spinster cat lady.  Next up is Saturday afternoon puppet shows starring Dior and Issey.  Shadow will be the back up dancer.

We have to bottle feed the runt as Fatty Fatty McFat Fat and Talky Talky McTalk Talk (we were bored) keep pushing it out of the way.  We have tried to get it to nurse and it will start but then stop.  This concerns us but we have come to realize that Wonderunt is not the smartest cat in the room as it will just rub its face on the nipple then leave.  Hey cat, you are doing it wrong. 

So today we felt like Ben Stiller in Meet the Fockers when he was talking about milking a cat.
In all our infinite cat wisdom, we decided "Hey maybe Wonderunt doesn't have enough strength to knead around the nipple so it doesn't get milk, lets help it".  So here are two grown ass women trying to teach a kitten how to knead.  Good thing Kelly the Cat is really laid back and just looked at us like "Are you REALLY trying to milk me?" so I can say that I have milked a cat.  It was all for naught.... Wonderunt still has to be bottle fed and burped. 

I will be finding homes for Fatty Fatty McFat Fat, Talky Talky McTalk Talk, Wonderunt (if it makes it) and Kelly the awesome mom.  So if anyone is looking for a kitten let me know.

As far as the kitten that Kelly got for her birthday, her name is Lola and she duped us into thinking she was cute and innocent because she was coming off of the pain meds from her being fixed when we got her and now is a holy terror which hopefully she will grow out of once introduced to the older cats.