Settling in sans uterus

So if you have not read my pre-hysterectomy blog please do so as it will give you some insight into my crazy way of thinking and writing.

About me.... my name is Morgan Wright and I am in the Air Force stationed at Fort Meade.  My uterus hated me and had to be destroyed 31 January 2012.  This blog is my sequel to the angry vagina bye-alouge and will follow my exploits post hysterectomy.

As with everything in my adult life the surgery did not go as planned.  I will start from the day before my surgery.

The day before my surgery I was supposed to drink the innocent looking citroma laxative to clean out my system in case they perforated my bowel during surgery.  Oh that sound promising. 

It wasn't bad going down, a little lemony, sour yet sweet with a slight sparkling effect.

Coming out however was another story all together.  HOLY SHIT.  I have never in my life heard the sounds that were emanating from the depths of my bowels before or since.  Forget a two week juice cleanse or colonic... do this stuff and you will be clean as a freaking whistle.

Just when you thought it was over it would start again, it was like a zombie Apocalypse in my intestines.  I finally ran out of whatever the hell was trapped in the approximately 27 feet of intestines and was able to sleep.

My mommIE had come down to help me for the next week and we woke up at butt crack of dawn and headed to Bethesda.  I was supposed to be the second person in, so about 0730.  I got there and of course couldn't eat or drink so I could feel myself start to dehydrate.  Some genius decided NOT to put my IV in when I first got there because that would have made sense, no we are going to wait until 7 hours AFTER I showed up at the hospital (so at least 14 hours since anything to eat or drink = veins shriveled up like the Nile on a hot day) so that was fun time #3.
Fun time #1 was hearing.... sorry but we have to push your surgery back because there was a water main break and there is no water to sterilize the tools.... of course!  Now running through my head was my last hospital stay almost a year previously for MRSA. 
Fun time #2 was hearing... sorry but we have to push your surgery back because the person ahead of you had to use the special tool we had set out for you but it was an emergency and we had to go open them back up so we are looking for another tool and operating room to do your surgery.

ahhhhh crap.  But the good news is, I DID have my surgery that day and it went fine (did not wake up with a penis) ... if by fine you mean waking up with those damn air poppers on your legs and a big air pillow in the bed that kept inflating and deflating at DIFFERENT intervals so as soon as you would fall asleep it would sound like a game of angry birds... also my mommIE stayed in the room with me on what had to be the most uncomfortable bed/chaise/chair thing in the world without her CPAP machine.  Great, I have angry birds in my bed and an angry semi truck rumbling in the corner.  Top that off with the fact that they kinked up the catheter line so I woke up in horrible pain and felt like I was going to explode.

They unkinked the line and had to drain the bag as a full bladder I did have!... Then, bless his heart, the tech put the bag too high for the line to drain into.  So a mere few hours later the same thing happened.  Come on dude.... you are killing me here. 

They told me I had to pee, fart, eat, walk and drink in order to get out of there.  I peed, I farted and got that party started. I was ready to go. 

I looked like a fool in my pajamas and holding a pillow pet in front of me but I made it home with a belly binder (think girdle) and percocet.

stay tuned for more.